Hey, baby, you smell so good!

11 Nov

My friend, Amy, and I have been in fierce competition for years now.  We are both famous for being propositioned by the most unsuitable men on earth.  We have been known to drop everything when it happens so we can call the other to brag about our latest conquest.  I think I am way ahead of her right now in both quantity and quality.  I noticed early in life I had this skill.

I was at an ATM machine in Pearlington, Mississippi (population 145 plus 1 million gnats and mosquitoes) and a bonafide pirate wearing an eye patch and a peg leg hobbles up to the ATM machine and asks me to go sailing with him.  (Thanks to Mr. Johnny Depp in recent years pirates have resurfaced as a cool cultural phenomenon.  I understand there are even clubs where folks apply lots of eyeliner, go out drinking rum and pillage on the weekend all the while speaking in some fake pirate language.  This ATM pirate encounter was many years before all that shit came around.)  The sad thing was I went off with that pirate – although I would not call it sailing.  It was more like fishing the salt water flats in an aluminum boat with a headlight and a case of Dixie beer.  He made me shuck my own oysters and blew a whistle all night – but I did have fun and we caught a lot of fish.  It was just falling off the edge of a long slippery slope. 

Next time I was dancing at some trashy bar in Waveland with the entire Sheriff’s Department.  My dancing partner was really working up a sweat.  He excused himself and came back with raggedy pants legs where he had made shorts out of his double-knit uniform using his pocket knife.  I kept tripping up on all his nylon strings.  I never did get a ticket in that town.  My friend Carolyn and I laughed until we cried that night.

Then one morning I am half asleep at work and this cross-eyed man sheepishly hands me an ice chest – a present just for me.  He had caught me a baby alligator in the ditch out in the work parking lot.  How sweet.  It gnawed on that ice chest lid all day long.  Those things can sure thrash around.  This same man brought me slow smoked raccoon meat.  I could not make up this mess.  He ended up getting fired when he went to jail for fishing with DYNAMITE and failed to show up for work due to incarceration. 

Then this man at work starts bumping into me.  I mean literally bumping into me and trying to knock me down.  He hurt me once shoving me into a doorway – and he was a very tiny man and I am a big old girl. I told his boss – hey, this nutcase that works for you keeps ramming into me.  He said, oh, let me guess – Kee.  He likes to ram women he is interested in.  We call him the Rammer.  Just knock the hell out of him the next time he does it and he will quit.  Luckily he was transferred to our Baton Rouge office before I had to put him down.  I bet some tough Coonass woman beat the hell out of him when he tried that crap.

And it never failed that if I risked my life and entered a convenience store in Houston (and it just so happened there was no armed robbery in progress) the newly immigrated store clerk would compliment me on my perfume or offer me a free hotdog as he cleaned the wiener roasting machine.  It got so where if I had a particularly bad day I would stop off and buy a lottery ticket just so someone would tell me I smelled good. 

One day I pulled into the Popeye’s Fried Chicken and after pulling up to the drive thru window to collect my two piece and a biscuit – this big Mexican practically climbed out of his small drive thru window and said – hey foxy lady in the sexy Volvo – take off those sunglasses and show me your eyes.  Who gets hit on at Popeye’s? I do. Just give me my chicken and shut up.  My child forevermore referred to my car as Sexy Volvo.

But the best ever was when I was in the Goodwill (a charity shop) looking at books and a tall Sikh wearing a turban asked me if I shopped there often. He invited me to go next door to the pawn shop and look at guns and then we could go have a coffee at the Starbucks.

I had to pass – I only had an hour for lunch.


5 Responses to “Hey, baby, you smell so good!”

  1. amymac80 November 11, 2011 at 8:54 pm #

    Hey! You only THINK you’re ahead of me… I haven’t shared any of my latest!!!! The alligator in the ice chest DOES put me a tad behind….that’s PRICELESS!!!!!!! I still have more turban hits than you… I’ve got to quit wearing that gem on my forehead!!!

    Oh and one of the male high school teachers told me today that I needed to stop hanging around with Abby (12th) since she was starting to make me look old… WOW! Really!?!?!


    • simplynotpossible November 12, 2011 at 11:26 am #

      You DO get more proposals of marriage than I do. Thanks for the words of encouragement!

  2. Vail November 11, 2011 at 10:40 pm #

    Kim, your blog might just be the best thing I’ve ever read. I am laughing so hard right now!

  3. Keith November 19, 2011 at 11:47 pm #

    Hilarious! Best one yet I think.

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