Fire In the Light Socket

10 Nov

So I am laying face down on the massage table listening to the massage lady run off at the mouth.  I grunt occasionally to prove I am still awake but other than that I try to tune her out.  I think they give graduates of every lunatic asylum in Texas a scholarship to massage school since I have yet to meet one that is not certifiable.  It’s never a mystery either if they are crazy since none of them are capable of shutting up and leaving their lives a puzzle to the poor stranger who is paying them for RELAXATION.  This lady is pretty skilled though and I always ask for her because she can fix my neck.  She is the most popular therapist at that spa.  So I’m laying there and she has told me about her prior career as an itinerant Olan Mills portait taker in Amish country and how she is legally blind but DRIVES ANYWAY because she has a very acute sense of where the others cars are even if she can’t see them.  Her dog is her mother reincarnated and on and on. Bring it on, lady.  I have met many nuts in my time.

She pauses dramatically and asks me if I smell smoke.  I raise up off the table out of my daze and sniff around – nope, I don’t smell smoke, thank God.  A few minutes later she asks me again – I still don’t smell any smoke.  It’s time to flip over onto my back.  Then she says, hey, did you see that?  See what?  My eyes are closed.  Did you see that flash of fire?  What the hell?   Then she proceeds to tell me that the other world communicates with her through the light sockets (this is what we call electrical outlets in the South).   Of course I have to get all the details….who exactly is “the other world”?  Do they use appliances too or just the light sockets to communicate?  What do they have to say for themselves?  Honestly, though I have never looked at a light socket the same again.

So it’s time to go.  I  tip her and all I can really worry about is if I have enough time to buy groceries and get home before she is out on the road driving legally blind.


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