Serial Killer in the Workplace

9 Nov

Throughout the years I have worked with some premium weirdos. We had this guy show up last year and immediately the 3 women on our project were a little freaked out. This guy would lurk behind doors and actually spy on us. He would attempt to make conversation but always managed to make us feel a bit icky by commenting on our delicious skin or some other absurd remark. As we have a habit of nicknaming people we don’t like – he immediately became known as Serial Killer.

SK wears the same outfit every day – black pants, white shirt, white sock with black clunky shoes. He has no facial expression and speaks in a monotone. Drives a white station wagon – as close to a white van as you can get!!

He is a persistent fellow – asking us out for walks at lunch even though it is usually raining like hell and every single time I tell him “No, I think you might be a serial killer. Go away! I will never walk with you.” Some new girl walks with him at lunch now but we don’t like her so she’s on her own. When I run into him in the halls he drops to his knees in an old-fashioned bow. He lurks. He just gives us all the creeps! Surely, you think he must be so good at his job to stay on board despite being such a complete weirdo. No. He does not do much work at all and is known as an idiot who writes Unabomber documents about control panels and how our project is doomed.

So one day Serial Killer comes in my office and as I have learned to avoid eye contact and to discourage any type of conversation I just kept on typing. All of a sudden he is under my desk kissing my ankles. I do not know who screamed louder – me or my office mate, Sligo. I still do not know why Serial Killer did that but I think he will not do it again as I kick like a mule when startled.

So eventually the guys in the office – who take a little longer to catch on to obvious things going on around them – start commenting on what a strange fucker he is. One guy comes in and says, “hey, you ever talk to that German guy? I think he might be a serial killer!” Oh, really??

SK works for a complete moron who defended him by saying what a nice family guy he is. Turns out Serial Killer helped a girl escape from an unhappy home and is raising her as his own.  More evidence!  So we all joke and laugh, but no one walks very close to the white station wagon either.

One Monday SK comes in with a big rock and declares he has dug up a rock in his backyard with scientific evidence of the origins of life. Apparently the rock is a zillion years old and no such rock has ever been found in Europe before blah blah blah. All I can think of is why was he digging in his backyard?

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One Response to “Serial Killer in the Workplace”

  1. Adventures (@in_expatland) April 25, 2013 at 2:24 pm #

    Too funny! And weird, definitely in an icky way. Years ago I read ‘The Gift of Fear’ by the well known security guy to the stars, Gavin de Becker. He’s big on trusting your instincts because your subconscious mind picks up on details your conscious mind hasn’t identified. So if you feel he’s a SK, he probably is. And the whole kissing-the-ankle thing is too creepy for words.

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